One good day, one bad, one good day, one bad...

The days passes by, sometimes with nothing to hold more than a lazy morning, 20 pieces of puzzles laid in place, a few squared off crochet circles made, slow movements through the garden observing that one peony flower bud turns to three and then to six and wow - today two have opened up!

My hair is a mess, I seem to live in yoga pants, t-shirts and my most ugly fleece jacket, sometimes PJ's all day long is not even noticeable for neither my family or my neighbors. There is a constant food preparation in the kitchen, lots of snacking throughout the days, numerous of coffees and teas and pretty much nothing to report or memories to save for the future.

Other days I'm super productive, embracing and enjoying, interacting and accomplishing, baking, talking to family members, cleaning and avoiding the snack cabinet every time I pass it by. I even get dressed and I blow dry my hair after a morning shower. I stop and smell the beautiful sweet fragrance of the rapeseed fields in full bloom, listen to all those super loud birds in the forest and think that this is truly a gift to the world, to humanity, to me and my family.

Nothing seems to be consistent. It doesn't work very well with my personality. You see, I like structure. I like repetitive routines and knowing what to expect from a day. Without guidelines or direction I'm like spilled milk on a kitchen counter, floating out and over the edge and in all directions... into to drawers and cabinets underneath... just a mess. Nothing gets done. Everything comes to a halt, unfinished... dust bunnies, bills, the annual tax declaration, dirty clothes on the floors, work, half-done projects, dusty shelves and so much more stares at me with angry eyes.

I find myself in a phase of boredom. All the talk about embracing and seeing the small things and enjoying time together, think positive, we are lucky... All that feels like real bullshit at this point. There is tension, frustration, boredom, fatigue and a growing need for space, alone time and social interaction... I am (we are???) tired of smiling and being nice, patient and positive and all I really want to do is get on top of a mountain and just scream out that this really really fucking sucks! And so I do, in my mind. I say: "This fucking sucks!" because using those strong curse words gives a sense of relief. More depth to what I feel. And there is some sort of ease following my quiet screams.

And so another day arises and once again it shows to be one of those productive, embracing, happy and positive ones... We are good. This is great. We are so lucky. And the days passes by - one good one, one bad, one good one bad... Looking at it that way, maybe there is some consistency in these weird times after all. I find comfort in that.

Kärlek
Annette

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