There is no snow. This Christmas wasn't a white Christmas at all. The last few days we've had the "biis", cold icy winds from the north. But no snow. There is hardly any snow in the Alps unless you get above 2000 meters. Against all odds I did rent alpine equipment for all kids for the season. We will chase the snow if we have to, can't miss out on snowy rides no matter what.
Jay is in Mustique (read about our visit to Mustique in 2016 here, here and here) working and I'm alone with the kids. Nelly Bo celebrated New Years Eve with friends in the Swiss Alps this year, so New Years Eve was spent with just two kids at home. I'm not a big fan of New Years Eve. In fact it makes me anxious, so I just made us a nice dinner and then we had movie night. Not having Jay or Nelly Bo around makes the family dynamics totally different (to not say weird). We are so used to always be all together and when one person falls off that foundation, you struggle to find your place it seems. It made me want to break the weirdness and do something different.
On New Years Day I took Luca Bo and Emmy Bo with me to Gstaad for a day of snow fun. We left the house at 8 am, hit the hill by 10 am, had lunch at our favorite mountain restaurant Kuhstall, went for a few more runs and were back home by 6 pm. It was so much fun. And the weather was glorious with blue bird sky and just below zero. Heaven.
On Wednesday we were waiting for Nelly Bo to come back home and fill the empty space we all experienced. She came home alright... with a broken wrist! She broke it on her first day of the season snowboarding. Ironically she didn't even fall. She hit an icy patch and was to lazy to tackle it, sat down to collect strength for it, slipped and fell on her hand. She's upset, angry, frustrated, sad... but in good spirit. She even figured out how to play the piano wrapped up in plaster. I just had to capture the moment as she looked so funny and played so well, watch it here.
I have reflected upon life much during the holidays. Withdrawn a bit. I notice how time seem to pass in a more rapid pace with age, how against my own desires my children are growing up and somewhat away from me. I find this phase in life very challenging and confusing. I'm like a small boat lost at sea floating around in circles desperately trying to find shore to set home. Who am I? What happens next? How will I cope with all the change? It is like everything I knew, the routines of motherhood and family life now are all gone... For so many years, decades, I've built this great construction of blocks and kept it steady for so long and suddenly it has all fallen to the ground and I struggle to find the pieces to reconstruct what once was. Does that make sense? I guess it is time to construct something new. Fill the gaps with new blocks in a new structure. I'm scared. I feel vulnerable. But I also feel excited and curious. Change is good. Embrace it. Even if you hate it. It makes you grow, it makes you rise, it makes you love in a new way. You hear, I'm trying my best to cheer myself on. I'm crap at following my own advice, but this time I think I will actually listen and take them onboard.
My reflections continues, my life continues and a New Year is here with New adventures, happenings and challenges. I feel 2019 will be the year for me. It is the year I am turning 50. I'm ready for it. Wish you all a Happy New Year!
Kärlek
Annette
Annette
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Thank you for sharing your wonderful story. Because you have created such a good foundation for your family, I believe that even with the changes that will inevitably come, you will find that your connections with them will continue to be strong and loving. New joys will arrive. Have a happy new year!
ReplyDeleteI completely understand how you feel my friend. We all do this and even with me working a very busy schedule that leaves time for little else I wonder what is next, what is missing, how do I relate to these adult children of mine, how do I still Mother Little Buddy but hep him move forward without keeping him little like I would like. So many things that change, keep up your spirits and all will be fine.
ReplyDeleteOh dear, so sorry about the broken wrist, I hope it heals quickly. Your New Year's Day looks amazing, how wonderful to be near enough to go to Gstaad for the day. I am always anxious at New Year, and I'm not very good with change. My little people are growing up as well. The youngest will go to big school this year, and I am not ready for him to be too independent just yet. But of course, off he will go. I think it is time for you to follow a dream. I'm wishing much happiness for you and yours in 2019, and I hope that you find a path that brings you joy. CJ xx
ReplyDeleteAnnette - I am equally crap at taking my own advice and, for very different reasons, find myself at a crossroads where change may occur...a difficult and a sad change, or a very sweet one. I am also trying to embrace the uncertainty, and breathe, and breathe again, and be. It is hard, and everything you said made absolute sense. I suppose one way to tackle this is to just keep being present, but also be curious, and let the emotions come when they do. I am so pleased to have found your blog and writing this year - cheers to a beautiful, perhaps bittersweet, new year of understanding and growth. (And P.S. I am an avid morning walker :) )
ReplyDeleteI'm in the same place. Turning 50 this year and the kids are growing up. It is SO strange.
ReplyDeleteMy youngest is 19 y.o, so I have been slowly getting used to the idea of children becoming more independent and living their own lives. Hard, but we do get used to it! This same 19 yo also fractured is hand on Christmas day!
ReplyDeleteI feel like I have to build my little block house over and over again. It's so frustrating and hard--just when you think you have it figured out, something changes, and change knocks everything down! I may be confused and sad about life sometimes, but I have wonderful parents and siblings and nieces and nephews and friends, and at least my little shabby block house is full of pretty and shiny things.
ReplyDeleteI hope you can navigate your changes! We are all trying our best, and it's good to know we're in the water with so many other people, trying hard to keep going!
After reading this, I would like to live down the road from you and we could get together for hot chocholate and talk about growing families and what does a stay at home mom do when the children fly from the nest. I thought my life would be filled with grand babies and children being close. Although we still talk to the children often we don't see them as often as I had hoped. I am still praying and searching for the next thing. I liked your advice. It is sound encouragement.
ReplyDeleteHappy new year to you and your loved ones too Annette. I hope you and your loved ones have an amazing, healthy, happy and safe 2019. Hope Nelly Bo is doing allright with her wrist.
ReplyDeleteHave a nice day.
Sweet greetings,
Emily