"Can I sleep in your room?"
"Of course."
She is 10 and she is sleeping in our room six days out of seven. And that is ok. It will pass. And right now the most important thing is, for me as a mother, to make her feel safe. Because she doesn't feel safe. She's afraid. Not of monsters. Not of burglars. Not of the dark. No, she's afraid of growing up and of people around her growing older. And maybe even die.
She doesn't like the fact that her older sister and brother might move out one day. And she doesn't like us talking about it. It makes her sad because she doesn't want them to leave. Because if they leave, she will be the only one left. And things will be different, but she wants everything to stay just the way it is. Forever.
One evening when we read a book together, she looks at me closely, observes that I have crow feet in the corners of my eyes. She points them out and smiles but then suddenly her smile turns into cry and she can't help but starting to weep intensely. Because she doesn't want me to get old. I tell her that the crow feet are signs of happiness. They are there because I'm so happy and smile so often. It doesn't help. She still cries hard and grasps after me in desperation. And I hold her tightly and let her cry and be. When she calms down she tells me she is afraid of me getting old. Of loosing me.
"Mama, don't die."
And I say, I'm not going to die. What else can I say? And I need to grab all the strength I have to not burst into tears myself. I can remember that overwhelming feeling of fear when I once realized, at the same age, that my Mum, Dad and brother could die... So I'm staying strong. For her. To make her feel safe. Because obviously I can't promise such a thing, right? But still I try to.
We decide that from now on I won't add a year to my birthday. Lets go backwards. And she smiles and thinks it's an excellent idea. And so it is - I turned 46 this past Tuesday. And with that Emmy Bo can continue to cling on to the idea that everything will stay just the way it is. Forever.
She is afraid of loosing her own childhood and not loving rainbows, sparkles, unicorns and gumdrops anymore. She doesn't want to become a teenager because teenagers stop playing. And she doesn't want to stop playing. I tell her she can play forever if she wants to. That playing is good. That even as a grown up it is important to play. That she will still play as she grows up, but in a different way, with different things. And things will somehow stay just the way it is. Forever. Just slightly different.
But Emmy Bo doesn't want to hear that. No, she wants to freeze time just as much as I want to. But we both know it's not possible. All we can do is embrace the moment. And it is painful and heartbreaking and so sweet and beautiful at the same time. To be here, and go through this tough part of life together. And once again I just know I was made for this. Motherhood is the most fantastic thing that was given to me. And if I could, I truly would, just keep everything the way it is right now. Holding Emmy Bo close and feeling her unconditional love tucked all around me like a cuddly blanket cocoon. Love is. Forever like this.
Kärlek
Annette
Annette
FOLLOW My Rose Valley HERE:
Oh! This spoke directly to my heart! I was exactly her when I was that age (and I still struggle with the same thoughts).
ReplyDeleteThat was such a beautiful post! It made me cry. I know just how she feels, how you feel, and I feel the love between you. Love like that lasts and doesn’t change, doesn’t grow old or move out. She is a lucky girl to have a mom like you.
ReplyDeleteWhat a lovely post, and what a sweet thoughtful little girl. And what a fantastic mum she has. CJ xx
ReplyDeleteHow sweet and precious! Wonderful memories are being made as she feels the safety and love being poured into her inside that cocoon.
ReplyDeleteEmmy Bo is so Lucky to have you as her mother...who let her feel she is so loved... and save... Don't we al somewhere in our youth get that sad feeling life won't be the same...A great hug for you...
ReplyDeleteWhat a truly beautiful and heartfelt message. Unfortunately I have never been blessed with children, but have been very lucky to have wonderful friends and family that have. You are a wonderful mother, and as you say even "grown ups" can play and have fun!...love is so, so very strong, bless you x
ReplyDeleteBeautiful post! And I so understand as I try to stay "young" forever for my handicapped daughter who never wants me to go away. I too want to protect her forever. Hugs to you all!
ReplyDeleteHi Annette,
ReplyDeleteI can certainly understand why Emmy Bo would want that. I also want to freeze time. Or turn back time. I don't know. My grandfather is in the hospital, he's quite critical right now and I don't want to say goodbye yet. I want to have at least 20 more years with him. But enough about me.
I hope Emmy Bo will feel save again and just be a sparkly 10 year old.
And again, I love the way you can write about things.
Have a nice weekend.
Sweet greetings,
Emily
(casacreaemilia.blogspot.nl)
Oh Annette, you’ve just made me cry, everything you said is so true & I think most mothers would agree. Ive just let go of my daughter as she starts university & it was heartbreaking to see her go. I just kept thinking of when she was little & how everything seemed so easy & we were together all the time. The house is so quiet & my days a little empty without her, but I will get use to it & she will always come back. It’s so hard having them nurturing them & then having to let go. Keep having those cuddles & special times & make her feel safe xxxxx
ReplyDeleteI didn't feel like that as as a child, as childhood for me was something insecure that I wanted to race away from - to move on to something better. There was no tenure of love, just insecurity. I did miss my sister when she left home though and I read an article about that a short while ago, it is often overlooked that children miss their older siblings and how they feel is not even thought about. It can be deeply affecting. It is so good to know and prepare for that. I used to love visiting my sister, it was exciting and fun and gave life dimension and possibilities to me.I loved it on her visits home. So there were good times still.
ReplyDeleteAs a single parent who has always held my child as so dear to me, I dreaded so much her moving out and on and away from me. I would be left alone. I cried about it, I shared my feelings with her. She told me I had nothing to worry about. We were different from my own parents. It is true, we are. Things do not stay the same, they evolve (adult children are lovely too) and move forward but bonds can and do remain true and strong.
Like the other readers this writing made me cry, it is so beautifully written and emotionally evocative and engaging. The love is palpable and true on both sides. Sometimes, it really is ALL you need. You are a lovely mother with lovely children. Your daughter will be feeling the security of your love and understanding which will help her to be ready for change when it does come Everyone and everything will be fine :)
How lucky is Emmy Bo to have you and J as her parents. Of couse she can sleep in your room, you say.
ReplyDeleteOur children have slept with us many times. And one night, they didn't come, and I woke up and looked for them in their rooms. And they were sleeping there and then I missed them in our bed. But that's the way it goes, and it is allright of course. And I'm so happy we did it that way now they're grown ups and live in their own homes.
I had quite a lump in my throat reading your post Annette. I remember those terrible fears from when I was a child, and helping my daughter through this very thing. So glad you let your girl sleep in your bed, the best place to feel safe, wrapped up with Mum.
ReplyDeleteOh my friend, what earnest and intimate words!
ReplyDeleteYou speak the language of motherhood so fluently. Lucky Emmy Bo ❤️ Looking forward to Tuesday xx
Mariana
Your little daughter has a beautiful soul - and so do you. My oldest son (17) still sometimes has the wobbles when he realises it is almost time to grow up. He is my only child that wants to stop time, or even go back to more comfortable, secure times in the past. He has been retracing his youth (his words) this summer, revisiting places he enjoyed so much as a little boy. I miss this in my other three children. Teenagers don't have to stop playing :-) Have a lovely weekend. x
ReplyDeleteThere is nothing to fear. The teenage years can be experienced as adventures and only the gumdrops may lose their appeal. The unicorns are never far away. What would you like to do when older - sports, dancing, artwork? If only you could see the future which will be far better than anything we have seen so far.
ReplyDeleteWelcome back my friend. I have missed your words, your insight and your beautiful family. Congrats to the 16 year old, such a grown up number but she is still a baby in your eyes I am sure. As for your darling 10 year old, I had one like that too. He was so afraid of growing up and growing away from his friends. IT was hard for him to believe it would be fun to drive, date girls and do big, big boy things. He is 24 now and is very happy. It is delightful to catch up with you.
ReplyDeleteThis is a beautiful post. So many children rush to grow up into teenagers that they miss so much of a real childhood. x
ReplyDeleteYou're a great nom, Annette.... and you've a beautiful family ...... love all your words and I can't stop to cry....������
ReplyDeleteI am not a mother (I wish I was...), but I get tears in my eyes reading this...
ReplyDeleteWishing you all lots of love!
Glad you're back!
ReplyDeleteLinda Nichols
beautiful told... I remember this situations.. They all grow up ;-) and moved out.
ReplyDeleteOh the tears. Hang in there and keep doing what you are doing. Jo xx
ReplyDeleteThe hardest part of being a Mum. I love your point of view, your clarity, and your total empathy for Emmy Bo and her fears. My kids are all grown up, but I look back and wish I could have frozen time sometimes, for me and for them. Well done Annette. CL in CO
ReplyDeleteOh Annette, welcome back! And such lovely words that really moved me. I missed that, to come by here and reflect with you. You have a lovely heart.
ReplyDeleteCorinne xx
Awww....Miss Emmy! Here's a little secret! I just turned 59 (not quite a month ago!) and I still have a blanket to snuggle at night! And! Two of my 'babies' (one is 35 and one just turned 28 on Nov 18) <----- yeah ----these guys and their Mum LOVE kids movies! And games! Ben (the 28 yr old) always gets a game or a toy at Christmas. Cuz my favorite sone is the Toys R Us theme song - "I don't want to grow up! I'm a Toys R Us Kid!" *grin*
ReplyDelete~Dana
Åh, jag är glad att du är tillbaka!
ReplyDelete<3<3<3<3
Your daughter sounds just like my eight year old daughter. She doesn't want to loose her childhood and grow older, she wants to stay little and tells me that almost daily. She's turning nine in March and told me she's going to be like an old lady then. She's so sweet and funny and if I could keep her little forever, I probably would.
ReplyDeleteyou make me cry.......
ReplyDelete