In secret I dream of...

Winter never came. Sun has visit on and off between rain showers, frost and chilly northern winds. On weekends we live in slow motion, sleeping in, wandering around in PJ's until late if not all day. I lack motivation to take on projects that really needs to be done. Like de-cluttering, organizing and getting on top of this home of five. It seems to be my constant whining tune going on repeat, not just now, it's been playing for years... Needless to say, I'm so tired of it. It drags me down into the darkness of stress, frustration, anger, resentment and distress... It really bothers me that I can't just delete this sad blues tune and replace it with a new more upbeat and energizing one.

Instead of taking action I dip into Procrastination Lake, Creamy Coffee Bay, climb Laundry Peak regularly and slowly walk along the long long River Of Excuses and through the endless Mundane Chore Fields. Because these things don't request anything but auto pilot to be done. No extra energy. No extra effort.

I'm overwhelmed with it all, loving my new life as a working woman with great colleagues and the joy of leaving my nest every day to be active elsewhere. However, my status as a stay at home mum and housewife has not really changed in the eyes of my dear ones. At least that's how I feel. They do make efforts to share the work load, but I think the frustration lies within myself more than with the others. I am the one stepping into a new phase of my life and wanting a more minimal, clean and better organized home. Their life just continues with the fact that Mama is not around that much anymore and maybe my favorite hoodie won't be clean on the day I wished it was clean. The house might be cluttered and a bit messy, but teenagers don't seem to care that much about a dirty sink or replacing an empty toilet roll with a new one. Quite the opposite, they seem to thrive in the mess, at least it looks like it if you peek into their own rooms.

In secret I dream of a studio where everything has its place and stays there... where counter tops and shelves are free from clutter and the windows always have a brilliant shine instead of a dull layer of dust when the sun shines in. A place where I'm having my morning tea before diving into an hour of tidy up and not the other way around. I'm sure I would be bored within minutes having it that way, missing the kids' movement and presence, even if they only occasionally show up as ghosts (with earphones in so they won't be up for chitter chatter...) looking for snacks outside their caves.  Reality is I'm not far from that day when the house stands empty. It is sneaking up on me, the kids independence and need to leave the nest. I fear it. It hurts. The thought of them all gone cuts like a knife into my heart. I try to not think about it too much, this phase of parenting is so so hard for me. We still have time to be together. This is nature. I can't fight it, I just got to go with it. Once a mother, always a mother, right?

So I visit Crochet Land, seeking comfort in what once was my life saving passion. Hoping it will save me once more. While adding one block to another on my crochet Patchwork Blanket, I hear the kids crashing into the kitchen around midday, one by one. Rumbling around in the fridge and cupboards for food, cups, plates and cutlery. Pans come out, bread is being cut, coffees are made... and I just know that the sparkling clean kitchen I left after my own breakfast this morning has now transformed into a mine field of breadcrumbs, spilled milk, dirty pans and... you get it.
"Please tidy up after yourself", I call from my place on the sofa next door, but no one hears me. They got earbuds in. And so life goes on.

Kärlek
Annette

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