Sunday, February 16, 2020

In secret I dream of...










Winter never came. Sun has visit on and off between rain showers, frost and chilly northern winds. On weekends we live in slow motion, sleeping in, wandering around in PJ's until late if not all day. I lack motivation to take on projects that really needs to be done. Like de-cluttering, organizing and getting on top of this home of five. It seems to be my constant whining tune going on repeat, not just now, it's been playing for years... Needless to say, I'm so tired of it. It drags me down into the darkness of stress, frustration, anger, resentment and distress... It really bothers me that I can't just delete this sad blues tune and replace it with a new more upbeat and energizing one.

Instead of taking action I dip into Procrastination Lake, Creamy Coffee Bay, climb Laundry Peak regularly and slowly walk along the long long River Of Excuses and through the endless Mundane Chore Fields. Because these things don't request anything but auto pilot to be done. No extra energy. No extra effort.

I'm overwhelmed with it all, loving my new life as a working woman with great colleagues and the joy of leaving my nest every day to be active elsewhere. However, my status as a stay at home mum and housewife has not really changed in the eyes of my dear ones. At least that's how I feel. They do make efforts to share the work load, but I think the frustration lies within myself more than with the others. I am the one stepping into a new phase of my life and wanting a more minimal, clean and better organized home. Their life just continues with the fact that Mama is not around that much anymore and maybe my favorite hoodie won't be clean on the day I wished it was clean. The house might be cluttered and a bit messy, but teenagers don't seem to care that much about a dirty sink or replacing an empty toilet roll with a new one. Quite the opposite, they seem to thrive in the mess, at least it looks like it if you peek into their own rooms.

In secret I dream of a studio where everything has its place and stays there... where counter tops and shelves are free from clutter and the windows always have a brilliant shine instead of a dull layer of dust when the sun shines in. A place where I'm having my morning tea before diving into an hour of tidy up and not the other way around. I'm sure I would be bored within minutes having it that way, missing the kids' movement and presence, even if they only occasionally show up as ghosts (with earphones in so they won't be up for chitter chatter...) looking for snacks outside their caves.  Reality is I'm not far from that day when the house stands empty. It is sneaking up on me, the kids independence and need to leave the nest. I fear it. It hurts. The thought of them all gone cuts like a knife into my heart. I try to not think about it too much, this phase of parenting is so so hard for me. We still have time to be together. This is nature. I can't fight it, I just got to go with it. Once a mother, always a mother, right?

So I visit Crochet Land, seeking comfort in what once was my life saving passion. Hoping it will save me once more. While adding one block to another on my crochet Patchwork Blanket, I hear the kids crashing into the kitchen around midday, one by one. Rumbling around in the fridge and cupboards for food, cups, plates and cutlery. Pans come out, bread is being cut, coffees are made... and I just know that the sparkling clean kitchen I left after my own breakfast this morning has now transformed into a mine field of breadcrumbs, spilled milk, dirty pans and... you get it.
"Please tidy up after yourself", I call from my place on the sofa next door, but no one hears me. They got earbuds in. And so life goes on.



KĂ€rlek
Annette


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10 comments :

  1. Oh my goodness, that is exactly how I feel every single day. Craving peace and order and minimalism and dreading that moment when they go. And ditto the fact that no-one else ever notices any mess at all. Oh yes, and having wanted to properly declutter for the past decade at least... I feel your pain! Oh and the kitchen that is only ever clean for three and a half minutes. Sigh. How we will miss them. CJ xx

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    Replies
    1. Ha ha ha! I'm not alone!!! It's totally normal. Now I can breathe out and feel good about myself knowing I'm not the only one feeling this way. Happy Sunday dear CJ. We sure will miss them loads once they're gone.
      Xxx

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  2. Concentrate on what you have right now - and fear not about the future things things you think you will lose. In fact you will not lose your family as you will always be 'home' for them, wherever they may reside. Their interests will change and they will become interested in some of the same things as you - like their homes and you will share their excitement and joy in their achievements, big and small. They will still be your companions and look to you for input, advice and so on. You will not be redundant!

    Your house is lovely. Nowhere, unless it is barren of humanity and animal life is 'perfection' and besides, minimalism is sterile and low in stimulation. Creative people have the same amount of time as anyone. Do you spend that time tutting at 'messy' people removing messy teacups from their hands and flicking dusters, or do you make cosy blankets that will act as warm hugs for your family?

    You could do lots of things, but there is no should about it. We all make choices and yours seem to be pretty good ones to me. Your status comes from yourself not others. Children are not made to express gratitude but they will nevertheless be the result of all your time and input making things nice for them. So revel and be happy for all the many good things you have achieved, both accountably so and those that you cannot easily quantify.

    Family, work and creativity is a hard combination - all of those things are. You have a successful life by any standards. That is well worth celebrating. Be happy and glad for being you - I think that seems a lovely thing to be (not for what you have, but for who you are and what you do and say).

    Let yourself off the hook, save anymore tidying for another day. The necessary gets done. You are plenty and that is enough :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dear Anonymous
      Thank you for your wisdom and sharing of comforting words. I'm taking it all onboard and I guess I somewhere inside already knew all these things but at times it is hard to see we already have the answers within. I'm plenty and that is enough... :) I'll take those words with me as of today. Thanks again for taking your time to write. This is the beauty of blogging that I miss. Big hugs.
      Xxx

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  3. I really appreciate this post. I am right there with you! Take care of yourself. :-)

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  4. I love all of your blogs. They inspire me. Don't beat yourself up. It's winter. No one is in the mood to clean and declutter anyway. Spring fever will hit soon enough. Your family seem pretty happy and well adjusted as do your pets. I wouldn't worry about it. We all get into a slump from time to time. This too shall pass.

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  5. Yet again Annette, it’s like you are pulling the words out of my head! The endless rounds of it, the lack of energy or will to do the things that I know would help and make me feel better... declutter, odd jobs, deep cleans, big tidies. Ahh, I find it hard to get myself going for all those and as with you, it’s not that the other won’t help, it’s just that they don’t really care about those things. But I can’t summon up the energy required to marshal myself into decisive action, let alone get them going too!
    I guess I’m probably a tear or maybe two behind you on the ‘they will leave home’ soon feelings. But the slobby teen who has us on mute is definitely one I can relate too as well. Sigh!
    It is good that you have something else happening in your life though and hopefully that is something that will help balance things out when the time comes. We shall survive, Mamas always do! 😘

    Sandra x

    PS Yes, this is what I’m missing from blogging too. Trying to get back to it in a small way. It’s quieter on blogs and I like that!!

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  6. Hoi annette, i will keep on looking at your blog. I had a hard time in life when i found the for me-undiscovered crochetland of endless possibilities ans colours. Your blog was right at the start of that discovery journey..thanks so much. Just 12say hi and wish you happiness on your path. Warm regards from jane (square maybelleflower)

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  7. I am so happy you have started blogging again. Your pictures are so so gorgeous, every one of them!

    As far as your experience with the kids goes, I think you've spoken for moms all over the world 😊 They make our world light up!
    Kavitha

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  8. So glad you're back. You write so well with very good descriptions of details. And you are also very good at expressing your feelings. I find myself thinking "Wow, this is exactly my reality, but I hadn´t realised it yet".

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Thank you so much for visiting my world. I love reading your comments and I do my utterly best to respond to questions and sweet messages. Thank you again for popping by.

KĂ€rlek
Annette

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